Good Golly Miss Mollycodswalloping...

In the 1980s, kids with spots got colds, wiped snot on their sleeves and put their fingers up each other’s bums as laughtertexture. Although they may have the occasional tickly cough, by today’s standards, they are supermen. These days, the antibiotic children of the 21st Century officially have no immune system and have bones made of salt and vinegar, thanks to being plied with drugs, filled with chips and wrapped up in cotton wool. Here is a frightening chronology which you shouldn’t read:


14th January 2001: The heart of an 8-year-old man from Suffolk collapses insidewards after being denied sugarmice by his mother from the local sweetie delicatessen, even though he’d been good all day.

29th November 2001: A 36-year-old man from Ashby de la Zouche contracts the Aids virus after looking at a rusty nail through sunglasses with inadequate protection. His advice: “you buy what you pay for. Just don’t pay with your life, like I did. You dig?”

15th April 2002: A 14-year-old boy from Milton Keynes is granted extended leave from school to avoid the emotioturmoil resulting from grubby intake from soccer. He is granted leave on the grounds of being “too gay for school.”

3rd December 2002: A 12-year-old miss from Portsmouth cried herself into a coma after watching Disney’s classic feature cartoon “Pinocchio”. The following were subsequently deemed unsuitable viewstuffs for kidz by the British film watchdog:

- Pinocchio going to sleep – depiction of sleepy lazylust.

- Familial setup – small boy lives with lonely man in a strange house full of clocks. Pinocchio’s desire to be a “real boy” depicted as the demand for a sexual rite of passage, compounded by fact that the boy is made of “wood”, and the fact that Gepetto uses “wood” as his principal “material”.

- The watchdog found that the cuckoo clocks, by their “in-out” nature, were deliberately phallic in light of the above. The fact that clock rhymes with cock is probably not a coincidence when considering this. The scene in which numerous clocks seem to deafen Gepetto is seen as a maddening craving for a small boy’s wooden wang.

- Underage drinking explicitly portrayed.

- Boys turning into donkeys. Donkeys being hooved animals, there is an implication here that the boys are demonic. This is without question too frightening for childrun. Donkeys are also renowned for having large genital organs (see above paedopoint).

- Talking, singing, clothed cricket. Depiction of black magic.

- Wooden boy turning into real boy. Depiction of deity through creation of the flesh.

All these things and more crumbled her.

4th February 2003: Boy in school playground is literally blown away by a sudden gust of cold wind from the North. The boy, who smashed into kiddie ash as soon as the wind ironically guided him into the window of the local pharmacy, was described as “tragically irretrievable” by paramedics who arrived on the scene. The Headmaster, a Mr J D Wetherspoon, blamed the incident on the wind simply coming from “precisely the wrong direction”. Scientists believe the actual reasons are more likely to stem from “overuse of antibiotics and his diet, which are to blame for the helium in his brain and his vinegar bones.” Had these been as normal, they “would have weighed the poor blighter down something proper.”

16th March 2003: Fragility levels of the young hit all-time high, as a woman gives birth to a baby made entirely of bubbles. Doctors said, “there’s really nothing we can do to prolong her life. Let’s just thank God it wasn’t a water birth. That would have destroyed her straight from the womb.”