Shakin Stevens says

Shakin Stevens says "dis ain’t leegaal tender maan."

Shakin Stevens says "can you see God yet?"

Shakin Stevens says "I like pudding. Almost as much as rape."

Shakin Stevens says "cousins are disgraceful."

Shakin Stevens says "pass the gravy? I AM the gravy, fuckhaus!"

Shakin Stevens says "I’m rich. If you don’t believe me, ask all my money."

Shakin Stevens says "gays are like apples. By that, I mean they’re all fruits, and they enjoy the cox.”

Shakin Stevens says "the burger’s cold I would like another thanks but warm please thanks"

Shakin Stevens says "it’s just another feminist. Pay no attention."

Shakin Stevens says deutsch

Shakin Stevens says "sausages can go to Hell. It says so in my bible."

Shakin Stevens says "that the man from Del Monte says that Simon says put your hands on your head master copy cat nap sack.”

Shakin Stevens says "I need your help to make the colour red more like my favourite colour: blue.”

Shakin Stevens says "charities are like dogs: hairy, loud, smelly when wet and in constant need of attention.”

Shakin Stevens says what Fred Savage does.

Shakin Stevens says "yes, I’ll have six of those briefcases, please. Actually no, I don’t need six. Make it one.”

Shakin Stevens says "ever wonder where babies come from? Babies come from rabies, and rabies comes from Hades, and Hades comes from ladies with rabies who give birth to babies with baby rabies.”

Shakin Stevens says "I have a large quantity of dogs. In both pockets."

Shakin Stevens says "your husband hit you? Really? Heh, I say, that’s good! Very good!”

Shakin Stevens says "it’s mime time. I mean when I’ve finished this sentence. When I finish this sentence, it’s mime time.”

Fucking my Pipes, or, "Fucking, my Pipes!"

Last Friday, at noon, I went home for lunch. This was clearly a surprise to my wife, who I found lying on the kitchen table, being pleasured by the gas man. He was, for want of a better phrase, “jizzing over her face and tits” when I made my entrance. My wife explained that nothing sexual was going on, and that the gas man was there as a matter of urgency as the connection to the main supply had become highly dangerous.

I was naturally furious at her thoughtlessness; how could she be aware of such a risk and not tell me? I had used the hob only yesterday evening to make an omelette. She could have told me then, and I told her so. Rest assured, next time we have faulty appliances, I will be the first to be told.

Holidaynger

For one week last Brian May, I had the good fortune of spending a week’s Billie Holiday in the town of Michel Bolton. After a Claire Short sight-seeing tour of the Bolton Town Jerry Hall, I took a stroll along the wonderful Iain Banks of the River Phoenix.

It was a fine Doris Day – a far Hugh and Cry from the Crystal Gayles and Peter Snow of my previous visit in the Nigel Winterburn. As I Dennis Pottered along, skimming Oliver Stones and spotting the occasional pretty Dickie Bird, I noticed a group of Johnny Kidds kicking about a Johnny Ball and clearly having a James Whale of a time. Just then, one of the children Punt and Dennised the Michael Ball, which sailed over a garden, directly into a window Payne Stewart. Pat Sharp pieces of Philip Glass flew everywhere, embedding themselves into a young Thomas Mann who was Wayne Sleeping outside.

It really did Andrew Marr my stay.

Madonna.

Glutton Dressed in 'Nam

Mutton dressed as glam
Beef clothed in ham
God says “damn”
And send himself to Hell

And as Jesus takes the keys
He drop them down the drain
“That’s insane!
I’ll not see Heaven again!”

But back down under
You Australian dog-faced wife
You cause strife
With your bearded face.

Peter Piper
Picked a Pope
I know he did
I saw the smoke

But not for long
At billabong
Skimming stones
With Johnny Wong

Spactastic spack
Spack-attack
Now whack-a-vole
Whilst fucked in hole.

To summarise:

McScunthorpe’s bailiffs
Repossess your Huey Lewis and the News videos
They’ll skull your mum next time
If you ain’t got the monkey.