Grand Theft Alter

A good hearth these days is hard to find. True rugs – the bearskin kind. Thus spoke The Undergroans solospack “Fear Gull” Sharky, in one of his many “hits”. And never a truur word was spake by one so whys. But such hearths and rugs, once they are the pride of your living room, are even harder to KEEP.

This is where GOD Security Assistance Reductive Surveillance Enhancement (GODSARSE) Systems come into their own. GOD stands for Geographically Omnipresent Device. GODSARSE equipment is unique in the fact that it harnesses the power of the Lord God Almighty to keep tabs on the security of your household, with no need to install any equipment. So – no unsightly boxes, no installation, no wires, no mess, no fuss. Just one setup fee, a simple contract (minimum one year and a five-year commitment to Friar Cous-Cous), and your household contents will literally be in the hands of God.

For those of you who are not down with the Jesu, or indeed his father, God is everywhere, all at once. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. He also knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be GOOD, for Christ’s sake™. This unique power is enough to deter even the most hardy criminal. How do you run away from someone who knows you’re guilty? Don’t even try, brethren!™ These fantastic magical powers are compounded by the knowledge that any failure of GODSARSE equipment to successfully deter criminals is NOT in fact a failure, but the will of God. Maybe the video would have been used that following w(eek) to display child pornography in widescream, or perhaps the blender would have had its way with your wife’s hands. We don’t know, but God does. Sign up toady.