A few things you should know about Trevor McDonald:

McDonald is renowned for having useless, spindly legs, despite his somewhat chunky frame. These were described by Peter Snow as being “completely useless in an emergency. Absolutely fucking useless”.

McDonald has three children. All of them are suspiciously black.

McDonald is rumoured as being a “foul-play fighter”, throwing dirt into the eyes of opponents and pushing a spectacled man’s (or woman’s) glasses up their noses into their eyes. Other tactics such as the classic “look over there” and the confusing “hold on, there’s a toad in my eye” are apparently favourites before launching into full-scale slap and scratch blind rage with screaming.

Trevor McDonald has, on three occasions in his career, delivered news before it happened. It is anticipated that he will report the death of Lady Thatcher a full seven hours before it occurs.

Due to a strange loophole in British law, and despite clearly being male, Trevor McDonald was technically never assigned a confirmed sex. As such, he was, in the eyes of the law, not classed as a fully fledged member of society due to his medical records being incomplete. Rendering him unemployable, this fact was then overridden by ITV’s recently placed laws against sexual discrimination, and so his job became even more secure, despite reports of gross negligence and improper staring.

Trevor McDonald delivered exclusives on all of the following stories:

• The world’s palest boy, Huddersfield. 15-year-old Sylvester Godthroat could only spend on average 3 seconds per week outside during summer. He was sent to a special home after frequently being lost in the bath.
• The strange case of Dr Robert Gratis, who was found both guilty and not guilty of third-degree rape, in one unanimous decision by a jury in Manchester. He was sentenced to 20 years in prison, and granted his freedom. He gave his interview to McDonald after being released for escaping from prison that same day.
• The infamous “women who leave their men for nachos” scandal, the report which McDonald rounded up with the inspired quote, “And so, it would seem, to keep your woman, you need to be a nacho, nacho man".

None of this is liez. It’s all bollix.