€ = MChammer

Not many people are aware that the early 90s classic choon “Here Comes the Hammer” was actually written for TV’s favourite child-beater Timmy Mallet. The lyrics, “uh-oh, uh-oh uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, here comes the Hammer” were supposedly meant to represent “that feeling like when you can’t speak nothing and all that comes out like durr. Then you KNOW the hammer come!”

And, indeed, it did, when Mallet was later hammered by the hammer of a judge for being hammered with kids through copious gin-scoffs pre-Wackaday. He was sentenced to community service on a building site, where he hammered in the morning, hammered in the evening, got hammered, hammered his wife, and then began the whole process again for a period of 90 days. This marked the end of Mallet's somewhat bizarre status as being the UK's only man legally allowed to beat children with hammers.

Things were a lot worse by 1995, when Mallet attempted to use his Mallet’s Mallet for Mal( int)e(n)t, shifting cocaine to Brazil. Clasping to the memory of his once renowned fame, Mallet assumed that he was still held in high enough esteem to be able to smuggle £3m of snout-dust stuffed inside his stupid coke-Mallet with no questions asked. Funnily enough, his palm-tree glasses and wacky-placed plasters, plus the fact that he was plastered, got him off lightly.

Last year, Mallet’s hammer went under the hammer in Hammersmith, and fetched £300,000. The buyer? None other than Cheshire's own MC Pukestation.