Fete Sealed

Only one word can describe the Ashby de la Zouche annual Summer Fete. The event, run by the Gyro Council, was held in partnership with the following organisations:

The Salvation Smarmy (special thanks are extended to the Girl Glides and Boy Snouts who packed bags for the elderly, the retarded and the Jews for the event, and who endured midday sun, midnight rum, an afternoon sum and a morning’s bumming for large charity chequemass)

The Sir Christopher Wren Mourning Minorities Association, who, especially for the event, staged an entire day’s mourning for the death of black albino dyslexic lesbian quadriplegic retards across these lands of Britty.

Omelettes for Arseholes (OfA). Give an arsehole an omelette and make the world a better place. That’s what OfA did, and the results spoke for themselves, although these were not, due to a technical fault, recorded. Dale Winton, Michael Barrymore and all contestants for Big Brother enjoyed their omelettes – some of them with ham!

Marrows for Harrow. Who can forget the summer of 1989, when a weatherjam was responsible for all of Harrow’s weather turning up 1 month late, all at once? This let to a complete destruction of marrow crops, and more than 6,000 dogs starved to death. Marrows for Harrow, in Association with the RSPCA, is promoting the good virtues of the marrow, educating children and adults alike that such a commonplace vegetable, much like a hangover crap and a submissive wife, should never be taken for granted. This year’s event centred on the competition for “most outrageous marrow”. Runners up included a marrow actually stuffed with chicken fed on marrow for a year, a marrow which looked like Jesus and was crucified for our sins, and a marrow which was deliberately grown backwards. The winner was none other than the Council’s very own Neil Straap, whose Dutch origins betrayed him when he turned a marrow into a fully functional red light district for 24 hours, complete with whores, vending machines and fancy toilets.