DJ Crumbsuckler at your Service

The Councillor gives you free advice for today’s awful lifestyles.

SMOKERS

I am aware that you often worry about smoking when ‘il fait du vent’. In windier times, please do not panic; as long as you flick your ash OVER the ashtray, you have done your part. And God bless you for it.

Speaking of God, here’s a man who has had many a cute choirboy in his career. I suggest you take heed of his gropeful sermons.

HINDENBURG PARTY

Themed parties, much like a good gay comeout, are becoming increasingly difficult to make dramatic enough for decent effect. I recently held a Hindenburg party at the DJ Council, which was strewn with hydrogen-filled party balloons. It was extremely successful – a handful of Germans died. If your party includes a sleepover, you might want to incorporate a “Fuck me Fruhstuck” for good measure.

Further advice can be found from the inventor of the Vicars and Tarts student nights at Slough Chicago Rock Café himself, Friar Cous-Cous.

FAT MEN

The fattest person you’ve ever met might not be fat at all. ‘Fat suits’ are capable of supplying even the slimmest person with the physique of an enthusiastic glutton. Consider this when next you visit Birmingham’s Burger King.

BLOGS

Anyone can write a blog. I have, but I am not anyone. You are, but you've done jack shit. This doesn’t prove me wrong though, and, given that I am right, it makes you a lazy shit. You need to prioritise as part of a new time management regime.

THE ATKINS DIET

A warning for vegetarians – eating nothing but meat may not be possible if you exclude meat on the grounds of moral sanctimony. My advice would be to change your ways, perhaps being one of those excellent vegetarians who eats chicken. If you need help in slaughtering a chicken, a step-by-step guide, complete with diagrams and detailed legends, can be found here.