Letters to the Council

Sir

I recently had some friends over to watch adverts on ITV1. We noted that there was a new advert for Sainsbury’s insurance which depicted a receipt by the name of “Little Bill”. I find this character intensely irritating, and was wondering on your opinion of the animated little chap?

Yours

Brandy Monacle


Dear Brandy

I too have seen this advert, and am aware of the character. I have to agree that clever though the play on words is (bill in fact also being a receipt, and the stress on the “little” not only confirming the physical size of Little Bill but also the potential financial savings to be gained by Sainsbury’s insurance), he is indeed an irritating character.

But I believe it goes further than this. I for one am troubled by Little Bill’s apparent streetwise ways and arrogant swagger. This is compounded by various people recognising him and hailing him in the street which implies somewhat social whoring qualities which give him a shady, untrustworthy air. I believe he probably spends more time socialising, womanising, gambling and masturbating than he does working towards affordable deals for all. Now who would want to buy insurance from someone like that?

But a word of warning: if faced with the above character, and the only other alternative is buying insurance from Michael Winner, I suggest you do business with the rapist, rather than Little Bill.

Kind regards

DJ Councillor Gyro Kredit



Sir

I recently had the good fortune to join the Jamster Club. And what a club it is! Since joining, I have not only been able to enjoy the scooter-popping drilltonenoizz of the Crazy Frog, Nessie the Dragon and Sweetie the Chick in all their polyphonic glory whenever my mother calls, but I have also been granted exclusive access to Stringfellows, Ministry of Sound and the Nag’s Spleen pub, as well as receiving many substantial discounts on CDs and clothes from top high street stores. I have also, rather confusingly, been given access to student union bars, and been issued a rather intriguing timetable, complete with deadlines.

I urge your other readers to do the same.

Yours truly

‘Gordon’ PysssssSs


Dear Hardon

Although the Jamster Club does exist (and you may well be a member!), it is worth noting that you have in fact joined a university. Universities are much like clubs, allowing you to gain access to areas and jobs which other ‘normal people’ cannot, and paying large sums of money for the privilege. It is likely that you were eating some jam when you completed the university’s application form. This is probably where the Jamster confusion arose.

Best wishes

Gyro




Sir

I have been invited to a fancy dress party with an Elvis theme. Everyone’s going to go as the King himself, but I want to be original! Any ideas, please?

Colonel Panic


Dear Colonel

Fancy dress parties are a difficult and I believe stressful beast. I find the key to planning your outfit should lie with the character him/herself: what would Elvis himself do? I have been to such an Elvis night and asked myself the same thing. So I usually get off my face on smack, fuck some groupies, pile on the pounds and die on the toilet.

Your truthfully yet ambiguously

Gyro Kredit


Dear Sir

You bastard shitface. I was reading through your cunting shithole of a tripeblog last night, and I was abso-fucking-lutely dis-fucking-graced with the whoregash dickface text which met my shitsmeared eyes. You’re a cunting nightmare.

I hope you die of Aids, you grandmotherfucking prick.

Sincerely

Ritchie Headgive (edited for bad language)


Dear Ritchie

I refer you to the new Independent Blog Committee, who will ensure this never happens again.

Theirs

Gyrate Cretin